Team Women & ADHD: A look back, a look ahead

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Episode 200 with Katy and Team Women & ADHD.

“Before any of us knew we had ADHD, we were all asking the same frustrated question: ‘What’s wrong with me??’”

Episode 200! 🎉 In this special milestone episode, I’m taking a moment to reflect on what I’ve learned after nearly five years of hosting this podcast and talking with hundreds of brilliant women and adults socialized as girls with ADHD.

I share 10 of the most common themes I’ve observed over the years — from misdiagnosis and executive dysfunction to the healing power of community and the growing recognition that ADHD in women rarely looks the way it’s “supposed to.”

Then I’m joined by a few of the incredible coaches who make up Team Women & ADHD — Emily, Taucha, and Lindsey — for a heartfelt and insightful conversation about what brought each of them to this work and why coaching can be so transformational for neurodivergent women.

Together, we talk about shame, support, mindset, and what it really means to build a life that works with your brain, not against it.

Whether you’ve been here since Episode 1 or this is your first time tuning in — thank you. I’m so glad we’re taking this journey together!

Website: womenandadhd.com/coaching

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Episode edited by E Podcast Productions

Katy Weber 0:00
When I would tell other people with ADHD that I was diagnosed, they would cheer for me, and I do the same for new diagnosed people. I'm like, congrats on your diagnosis. Oh my goodness. It's like, they get it. They get that an adult diagnosis is like a window opening. It's it's a lifeline and a chance to understand yourself. It brings a lot of relief, but it also brings a lot of grief.

Katy Weber 0:26
Hello and welcome to the women and ADHD podcast. I'm your host. Katy Weber, I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 45 and it completely turned my world upside down. I've been looking back at so much of my life, school, jobs, my relationships, all of it with this new lens, and it has been nothing short of overwhelming. I quickly discovered I was not the only woman to have this experience, and now I interview other women who like me discovered in adulthood they have ADHD and are finally feeling like they understand who they are and how to best lean into their strengths, both professionally and personally. Well, hello and welcome to episode 200 of the women in ADHD podcast. Wow. It feels so good to say that it has been such a long journey and such an incredible journey. And so I just wanted to take an opportunity to just celebrate it. And so I thought, what better way to celebrate it than to look back but also look ahead? And the best way I thought to do that would be to think about or talk about with you for a little bit. I'm not usually one who just comes on here and talks for a bit, but I thought, you know, this little project that I started in the pandemic and has grown into something so phenomenal for me and hopefully for some of you. I don't know if this is the first episode you're listening to, or if you've listened to a handful, or if you've listened to them all, but thank you so much for coming along on this journey with me. And I thought I would take us some time and talk about some of the things that I've learned in these 200 episodes from the most amazing women that I've had the opportunity to interview. So I'm going to reflect on some of the themes that I've noticed over the years. And you know, I thought I'd also take a look ahead at the future of women in ADHD and where we're going and introduce you to some of the newest members of the women and ADHD coaching team. So true confession, when I started this podcast, I hadn't actually been diagnosed before, or I hadn't actually been diagnosed with ADHD yet, and I think I've probably mentioned this in past episodes, but like, I had already decided I had it, and of course, I had gone into hyper focused research mode, as we always do, and the more I was learning about ADHD, the more it felt like every seemingly random thing in my life, every seemingly random struggle I had ever experienced in my life since childhood, could be traced back to ADHD. And it was so overwhelming, it was so profound, and I desperately wanted to talk to other women about their experience. Their experiences. So I was like, it'll be kind of weird to just, you know, get in touch with strangers and ask them to chat with me. So naturally, I thought, I'll start a podcast. I was in an ADHD entrepreneurs Facebook group, and I posted there something like, Hey, come share your story and promote your business and talk to me about your diagnosis. So that's kind of how it started. I had the name, I had the logo, of course. I bought all the equipment I was super interested in, like microphones and and the right headphones and everything, and the first three or four interviews I actually recorded before I was diagnosed. And I kept thinking to myself, like, what if my doctor tells me I don't have ADHD? What am I going to do? I'm so in love with this project and this podcast. Do I keep going? I don't know. And I was so worried that my doctor wouldn't believe me, which, of course, now I realize looking back that that's very common and very understandable for those of us facing an adult diagnosis like of course we're going to worry that nobody believes us. Of course, the opposite happened. I showed up with all of my paperwork, and I went shuffling all of my self tests that I had taken and showing her everything and all this list of symptoms and stammering about so many things at once, and she was basically like, Yeah, you had me at hello. So luckily, I did actually get diagnosed, so I could keep going with the podcast, and that's how it started. I thought I would break down some of the more common themes and revelations that I've witnessed over the past years of chatting with women, because now I've got this like phenomenological data of all of these stories and really noticing a lot of interesting trends and a lot of things that we have in common. So I figured I would put them together in a nice, organized list for us. Obviously, this is not an exhaustive list. I think I could probably come up with a list of 100 things that I've learned, maybe 1000 but these are just sort of the top 10 that came to mind when I was trying to put this episode together. So. Um, I think the first one is how often those of us asked the question, What is wrong with me prior to our diagnosis, like, before we had the language of ADHD, before we had a diagnosis, before we even knew what executive functioning was, we all asked What is wrong with me in our own myriad ways. Like, why can't I get it together? Why can't I just do the damn thing? Why does everything feel so hard? Why is my family walking on eggshells around me? Why am I getting so angry all the time? Why do I try so hard and still fall short? Basically, what's wrong with me? And I feel like that question, the confusion and the frustration is often the first breadcrumbs for a diagnosis, and it's one of those things that now, when I'm working with clients, I'm always looking for that question of what's wrong with me, you know, and sadly for so many of us, that constant frustration and confusion about why we think differently, or why things don't make sense to us. I mean, it turns into a depression diagnosis for many of us, because we feel like failures in life. We don't feel like we're adulting very well, or we feel like we're disappointing everybody in our life. We want so hard to get it right, and we just can't, or it turns into an anxiety diagnosis, because it's like we're constantly bracing for the next mistake, or the next forgotten appointment or or, you know, again, disappointing other people. So we try so hard to get a system in place, and we end up in overwhelm, and we end up constantly exhausted, and we can't explain why, and so we're always on edge. I mean, we're trying to control this chaos with sheer willpower, and when that doesn't work, we just assume we're the problem. So if you find yourself asking those questions all the time, what's wrong with me? It's a good clue that you might want to look into ADHD. Or if you are listening to this episode and wondering if you have it or thinking you want to seek a diagnosis, it's a pretty good sign that you're on the right path, and it's often the sign that your brain has been working overtime to survive in a world that was never built for number two, let's call this the diagnostic detour. You know, one of the most consistent patterns I've seen throughout these episodes is just how long it takes to get the ADHD diagnosis for so many of us. I mean, obviously, things are changing thanks to social media and clinicians learning to better understand the signs, but Dan, so many of us were diagnosed with something else first, either depression or anxiety or both. Many of my guests have been diagnosed with bipolar or borderline personality disorder, and we're so often treated for depressed mood or lack of motivation or some form of complex trauma, but we are never treated for executive functioning. It certainly was a term I had never heard of before. I was diagnosed with ADHD, something I've talked about many times on the podcast. As far as I'm concerned, it's central to living with ADHD, and I had never heard of it, and nor is it ever talked about. Very rarely talked about in a diagnosis that said the symptoms were there all along. They were just misinterpreted or simply misunderstood, and sadly they were disregarded or just not believed. And that needs to change, which brings me to number three, which is the CO occurring autoimmune and chronic health conditions that are disproportionately common in neurodivergent women. I have seen a striking overlap between ADHD and conditions like Hashimotos, endometriosis, fibromyalgia, PCOS, pots. I mean, I could probably count on one hand maybe to the number of guests I've had who haven't had some kind of CO occurring autoimmune disorder. And this is not just me discovering this. It's obviously, it's all over the internet, and you can Google this and read more about it, but it suggests a shared thread of nervous system dysregulation and chronic stress overload. It's not just a coincidence. And when we mask when we don't get the help we need, when we encounter systemic stressors, like, I don't know, being chronically dismissed by the medical establishment, our bodies start to react, they start to scream out in pain, and they're saying, like, Yo, we are not okay. So more research definitely needs to happen on the topic of neurodivergence and dysregulated nervous systems and autoimmune dysfunction, because, you know, to quote Katy Osborne, that Venn diagram is like a stack of pancakes. So number four, as I mentioned earlier, it almost always comes down to executive function challenges, which are frequently mistaken for character flaws. I mean, before my diagnosis, I never used to say, Honey, I'm struggling with task initiation. I would say, it's not that hard. Why am I so lazy? What's wrong with. Me, I would never say things like, my working memory is compromised and the I need effective support and structures. I mean, I don't say that now, obviously, but like, back then, I used to just say things like, Oh, my God, I'm such an idiot. We said those things because they were likely said to us over and over again in childhood. So that internalized shame starts young and it runs deep. Okay? Number five, the Diagnostic Statistical Manual, other known as, otherwise known as the DSM, does not represent our experience, and that needs to change. Most of us, if we were handed the actual DSM criteria for ADHD before our diagnosis, would have probably said, Oh, that's not me. I'm not hyperactive, I don't have a focus issue, I'm not disruptive in meetings. I'm just, I don't know, really bad at adulting, and I'm perpetually exhausted. But what many of us are struggling with doesn't always show up on the official checklists. It shows up in the margins as time blindness or emotional dysregulation or rejection, sensitivity or executive function collapse, that deep, chronic shame spiral we've been living with for years. Like those aren't side effects. They're central to the ADHD experience in women, especially women diagnosed in adulthood, but the DSM diagnostic criteria for ADHD is currently based largely on research with young white boys exhibiting hyperactivity in school settings. So those behaviors were disruptive, observable and problematic to adults, especially teachers. So this means that the criteria were built around externalized behaviors and academic behavioral impairment, not the internal experiences that many women or AFAB folks describe, like constant overthinking, chronic overwhelm, intense emotional dysregulation, rejection, sensitivity, or years of functional masking. So when the lived experience doesn't match the checklist, the problem isn't necessarily that the experience is invalid. It's that the checklist is incomplete. So if you've been thinking you might have ADHD, but you've been dismissed by a clinician or a parent or a spouse because you don't fit the criteria, keep going. You are the expert of your lived experience. Okay? Number six, we don't necessarily pathologize this diagnosis, but it can bring with it a lot of grief. When I was diagnosed with ADHD, and I would tell other people who didn't really know anything about neurodivergence, they would say, I'm so sorry to hear that. Or, Oh, I didn't realize you were struggling. Yeah, no shit. But like when I would tell other people with ADHD that I was diagnosed, they would cheer for me, and I do the same for new diagnosed people. I'm like, congrats on your diagnosis. Oh my goodness. It's like, they get it. They get that an adult diagnosis is like a window opening. It's it's a lifeline and a chance to understand yourself. It brings a lot of relief, but it also brings a lot of grief. There's a sense of mourning, why didn't anyone see the signs? Why didn't I get the help I needed? How might my life have been different if I had known earlier? Which brings me to number seven, community is medicine. I've been saying this for years. I think one of the most central and vital ways to treat your ADHD is through community. Find your people, hearing each other's stories is what heals us that moment of, Oh, my God, I thought I was just me like, that's where the real work begins. That's why this podcast exists. That's why everybody talks about it so much on social media. Because finding each other, sharing our stories and validating our experiences, is so important. It's more than just sharing photos about our doom boxes. It's truly curative and healing. So the fact that you're listening to this episode really gives me hope that you've already been looking and hopefully have found ways to feel understood and less alone. So keep it up. A sense of belonging is so nourishing and important and vital to living with neurodivergence, and it doesn't have to be a huge group of people. In fact, I'm not a fan of large groups myself. It could just be one or two friends who really see you and never judge you or make you feel ashamed. Okay? Number nine, most of the women I've met with ADHD are not hot messes who are chronically late. The majority of us do not fit that stereotype. Women with ADHD are brilliant and funny and creative, and often we're straight A students, and we're business owners and caregivers, and we're juggling a million tasks until we crash. We often look successful on the outside, but underneath is this chronic burnout and this perfectionism and a lifetime of masking and exhaustion. And I always like to joke that nobody got their diagnosis because they were like, I'm doing amazing. I think I need a name for this superpower. Usually, some Catalyst has come along to break that dam. For me, it was locked down in 2020, sometime. As it's triggered by college or motherhood or perimenopause, or simply just getting to that age where you're like, done with masking and people pleasing, you don't give a fuck anymore, and you're like, or all of the above. I don't know. I mean, how many times have I said maybe it's ADHD, or maybe I'm just a feminist tired of living in this dumpster fire of a country, whatever it is, we are smart and empathetic and curious and deeply good people. We're just the last ones in our lives to believe it often, and hopefully that changes for you with this diagnosis. I know it did for me and that mindset shift that was what dramatically changed my life. It's what told me I could go back to grad school to become a therapist. It's what told me I'm a good wife and I'm a good mother, all right, I lied that last one was number eight, so this is number nine. Yeah, traditional therapy didn't always get us, and that's a problem. Many of us have had a good experience with therapy. I certainly did. It was, in fact, it was my therapist who helped me get my diagnosis. But I mean, often, one of the most infuriating things I've seen from many of you is how often you've sat across from therapists who just didn't get it, or we were told, Well, you're just depressed. Nobody was there to help us? To say like, this is how we get things done. And I feel like so many of us have spent years in therapy being treated for anxiety, depression or disordered eating or trauma or all of the above, while the core issue of executive dysfunction was never addressed. And I believe in therapy. I think therapy is a very powerful tool for people with ADHD. I mean, I'm literally in grad school right now to become a therapist, because I believe in it that much. But ADHD therapy has to look different. It has to be more informed, more integrative, more practical. We need the depth of therapy and we need the structure of coaching, which brings me to number 10, which is mindset coaching. Mindset coaching for ADHD is transformative. It's life changing, and we need more of it. If you've listened to this podcast for a while now, you know I'm obviously a big proponent of coaching for ADHD. I genuinely do not believe I would still be doing this work or this podcast five years later, if it wasn't a for my diagnosis, but B for finding the right coach and my coach. So shout out to Lori Ostrovsky at simply leap. She never handed me a planner. You know, she never developed a morning routine that was going to fix my life and finally get me to answer my emails or become some sort of Stepford wife and get more done in the day, none of that happened. She didn't impart to me any secret wisdom that's out there that everybody but me knew. But what she did was simple. She encouraged me to believe in myself. She helped me articulate what what I even wanted to achieve, and she kept me accountable. She helped me to stop questioning my own way of doing things, or declare that I'm a hot mess. She really helped me lean into the fact that, yeah, I mean, sometimes I am a hot mess and I'm also really smart and driven, and sometimes I need help to get from point A to B, and that's okay, two things can be true at once. So yeah, coaching helped me reframe my mindset from I'm lazy into I need support. Which brings me to the next half of this episode, where we look ahead at the future of women and ADHD. And I am so excited, because behind the scenes, women and ADHD has slowly been growing. We've been growing into a team of ADHD coaches, and every single one of the members of my team also believes in the same strengths based neurodivergent, affirming, radically validating approach. I mean, these are women who get it, not just clinically, but personally, and you might remember a few of them from previous episodes of this podcast, because they all have ADHD and their fellow travelers on this journey. So now I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce them to you. I recently sat down with each of them to talk about what they love about coaching and what got them into coaching in the first place. There's Tasha post, who you may remember from Episode 18, and Emily Weinberg, who I interviewed in Episode 122

Katy Weber 19:27
and Lindsay Buchanan, who her interview will be coming out later this year. So keep an eye out for it. Now, our fourth coach, Morgan Meredith, who I interviewed back in episode 147 is currently on maternity leave, but she's been leading our group coaching for the last couple of years, and she is amazing, and I miss her. So shout out to Morgan and her family. You can find out more about all of these incredible women if you head to women and adhd.com/coaching and you can always book a free coaching consult with any of them, hopefully, some. Of what they say today will resonate with you, because I wholeheartedly endorse any of them. I think they're amazing, and I know you will too. Okay, first up is Emily, who used to be an elementary school teacher. She lives with her wife and her kids outside of Boston, and I just love the fact that my relationship with Emily went from having her on as a guest because she actually wrote to me and said, basically, I love listening to your podcast, but sometimes it makes me feel worse about myself to hear all of these guests who are successful and inspiring and have their lives together. What about the rest of us who are flailing? So I invited her onto the podcast to talk about herself, and I just loved what she had to say. I instantly felt a connection with her, and as did many of you listeners, because it was a very popular episode, and now here we are, just two and a half years later. And not only is Emily working as a coach, as an ADHD coach, but now I'm proud to call her a friend and have her as part of the women in ADHD team. So here's my conversation with Emily. At what point were you like? I feel like I want to do this. I feel like I want to become a

Emily Weinberg 21:00
coach. I remember actually exactly, and I was in the the coaching program that I was in, like the not me learning to be a coach, but like the coaching community. And somebody had posted about having just, like, applied or something for, like, a coaching school to be a coach. And this is about maybe, like, a year or a year and a half into, like, how long I had been in this program, and I just got such a like, it was at this like pang of jealousy, like, Oh, that's so cool. I want to do that. I actually really remember is very similar to a same feeling that I got when I was teaching one of my coworkers. I think she had not quit, but, like, this was going to be her last year, and she was leaving, and I also had this really jealous, like, Ah, I want to leave too. That would be so nice. And I did it. I didn't, and there was lots of reasons for that, but so when I got that, like, paying of jealousy, I had been in this program for so long that I kind of had the tools then to, like, instead of just, like, blow past it, to kind of be like, okay, What? What? A, what's going on and B, why do I feel like I just have to, like, stick with jealousy, as though this is something that I could never do. Why am I just kind of, like, staying there, and that was kind of what it was. It was just this, like, Oh, like that actually would be, I think that is exactly what I want to do. And it felt very uncomfortable. And there was lots of reasons why it felt very uncomfortable. And I had, you know, some narratives around like, how could you possibly help somebody else with their like, what? What would make you qualified to help somebody else with all this when you're right there in it with them? And then that actually really quickly changed to like, that's actually what would make me really qualified to help somebody with this, because I've experienced it. I know what this is like. I can understand what people are going through. I really have that, like, lived experience of of how hard this process is, as well as, like, how hard things have been in the past, and especially when you kind of don't understand why they're so hard, I don't know. And then from there, it kind of just in a very ADHD, meandering, not methodical way, evolved. And here I am.

Katy Weber 23:42
Here you are.

Katy Weber 23:46
What are the little moments when you're working with clients that that make it all worth it?

Emily Weinberg 23:52
I think at the very beginning, when I can sense that like somebody has just like, rambled on and on and on, and has this, like, very hesitant, like, Oh, is that like, weird? Like, you do you get what I mean? And I'm just like, yeah, totally. And there's this, like, almost, oh, okay, whoa. Like, that's never happened before, right? I think when that first moment of like, oh my god, somebody who didn't just hear what I said and is kind of giving me those eyes, like, I don't know what your problem is, and it kind of just snowballs from there, this sense of like, they can show up, frazzled, they can show up. Most of my clients show up five or 10 minutes late. Because, sure, actually, 5050, some show up right on time. If they're a few minutes late, they don't have to profusely apologize if they interrupt me mid sentence, they don't have to feel like garbage because I'm like, Yes, interrupt me. What was your thought? What did you What did you want to tell me if they. Start telling this very meandering story, and then go, I don't even know why I started telling that. I'm, like, here's what I asked. And like, that's actually really interesting. It's like, at the first there's, like, all these attempts to, like, apologize for how they're showing up and, like, almost show this, like, embarrassment over it, and when they get this feedback of, like, I love meandering stories, I hate linear stories, I will zone out. Like, tell me all bought back and forth. Like, that's how I know you're making sense of it all. And it's like this, like, yes, that is how I'm making sense of it. And so I don't know it's just this very gradual process of, like, somebody showing up, just like, so scared to kind of just be how they are into this is very cool. I can really just, like, show up and just let it all out, and I will not feel like judged or shamed or embarrassed or any of that. And that's like my favorite. I just love that a lot.

Katy Weber 26:11
Yeah, well, and it's so powerful too to hear you say, yeah, that is a preferable reason like that makes total sense to some people. It may be not everybody, but like, it makes total sense, and the way you are doing things is not wrong. And just being able to offer that, I think, is so powerful,

Emily Weinberg 26:30
yeah, just continuing to kind of validate that this thing that they have felt like they've been apologizing for their whole life, like, yeah, of course, they just had a client today who we've been talking a lot about, like, thought downloads and like brain dumps, and she's been really reluctant to do that stuff. And she just showed me one of them today, and it was this, like web and like, there were like, circles over here and boxes over here. And she had mentioned that like this to her doesn't feel like a proper brain dump like this feels a bit embarrassing, because it's almost like it's like a crazy mess like this. It's not it's not linear, it's not in order. And so she's been really reluctant to do that, and we were just talking about how like, but is your brain? Are the thoughts in your brain linear? Are they in order? Because, like, a dump is just supposed to be getting it out of you. And this is perfect, because this is what it looks like in your brain, and this is how you can make sense of it once it's out on paper. And somewhere along the way, you've been taught that that's like, kind of crazy or not okay, or like, you really need to think or present your ideas in different ways, and so then you just, like, shut it all down. And she finally did this, and it was like, so hopeful for her. She was actually, like, moving towards the things that she was trying to do, but it just took somebody else saying, like, what's wrong with That's perfect. That's exactly how your brain is operating right now. It's not wrong. It's your brain.

Katy Weber 28:05
And I think it speaks so much to that neurodivergent experience of like, I don't know if I'm doing this right. I don't know if I'm feeling the right way right now. I don't know if I'm reacting the right like, as if there is a right way, and then our way, and then, as opposed to just saying, like, this is how I'm feeling. This is how I do things that, you know, and that's that at peace in that that acceptance,

Emily Weinberg 28:27
yeah, and it makes sense, because think about how much negative feedback people with ADHD, who have tried to do things differently or tried to do things their way, have gotten throughout life, around, like, why is it organized like this? Like, why is it written like this? Why that's so confusing presented, whatever it is, like, all that negative feedback. Just, of course, you're gonna get to this place where you just kind of always feel like you're doing it wrong, and that just sucks. Because, like, who designated the right and wrong way to do stuff? A neurotypical person, obviously, I

Katy Weber 28:59
know right. Well, this is the part of like, after the diagnosis, where you get really angry and you're

Emily Weinberg 29:03
I still am,

Katy Weber 29:06
or you're like, I need to advocate, right, right? You know, that's one of the things I always say to my clients too. I'm like, Who says that? Who says so? Or you're just like, That's it. Let's burn it all down. Yeah, all right. Next up is Tasha, who I found on Instagram shortly after my diagnosis, and I just fell in love with her humor and her positive attitude and her love of yoga. And of course, I love that she was Canadian and she was someone I reached out to very early on in my podcast journey. I thought we would talk mostly about yoga and ADHD, but instead, we got really deep on dozens of other topics, as we tend to do on this podcast, and I just felt so close with her after such a short time, she has that wonderful quality about her, and we've stayed in touch. She and her husband have two kids since I first interviewed her, and I also was super excited and not very surprised when I heard she was becoming an ADHD coach, because I instantly knew she would be. Tremendous at it, and any client would benefit tremendously by working with her. So here is my conversation with Tasha. Okay, so you know what I want to ask you is, we're no stranger to career pivots. You've had a few. You've had a handful at this point, as have many of us. What was going on? Like, what made you think that ADHD coaching was the next step for you?

Taucha Post 30:22
Yeah, well, coaching was the next step for me, because I was working as a clinical speech therapist, and I was not happy, and I knew I wanted to help people, but I also needed to be like, free of bureaucracy, just the inefficiency of it all. I found it just so frustrating. And there was also a piece with speech therapy. I was working with a lot of people who had degenerative conditions, who are non verbal, who, you know, on I could only really relate to in theory, and I really wanted to connect to the people I worked with on a more like, on a way that I could really relate. Because I felt like so often I gave people suggestions that just were not fits, and then we just couldn't figure out a way to make things work sometimes, because there was just a level I could not I could not understand. And I had my recent diagnosis with ADHD, and I was listening to a lot of podcasts, doing a lot of research, as the ADHD ers usually do, and I came across the idea of ADHD coaching, and just something like, resonated with me, like I felt it in my body, like I got hit with something like, that's it, that's what I want to do, that's the thing I'm going to do. And I was still a speech therapist, but I just knew, like, that's what I was supposed to do. And I still, I had no idea what it meant, like, literally nothing about it. I just knew it's what I needed to do. So like from there, what I ended up doing is actually like I knew before I could be a coach, I needed to get coaching. So after that, I started looking for a coach. I started getting coaching. I started getting results for myself because I didn't want to coach anybody with strategies I didn't apply to my own life, so I needed to experience it for myself. And after I did that, my the coach who coached me ended up starting teaching coaches, and I'm like, this is perfect. This is exactly what I want to do. And I jumped on the opportunity. As soon as I was free enough to I ended up having some babies in between. So that kind of derailed some things, but eventually got my training with my coach and and I was it, you know, then I lived happily ever after.

Katy Weber 32:27
You were talking about, like, some of the things that you felt that you applied to your own life. What are those things? Tell me I want to know

Taucha Post 32:35
a lot of Yeah, fill you in

Katy Weber 32:38
asking for a friend.

Taucha Post 32:41
Well, the biggest thing, the biggest piece, was just noticing how my emotions were ruling my life and how the biggest one was shame. Shame was just like just getting in there and ruining everything, because I was making everything mean something bad about who I am as a person, instead of just like what it is to be a human. And those stories just got so big, they just became suffocating and got in the way of any positive step I wanted to take. So just unraveling that was really, really interesting, and I had to be honest, like when I first started with ADHD coaching, I was not expecting what I got. I really thought ADHD coaching must be like, Okay, what's your goal? Let's break it down. Let's build some steps. Let's have, like, set up some accountability. And it wasn't that at all, because if that worked, it would have worked by now, you know, like, we know all the tips and tricks. We're resourceful. Yeah, we're resourceful. We've done the research, we've read the books. Like we know, we know, and that's the most frustrating part, is we freaking know. And the thing that I was realizing is like it was, it wasn't, it wasn't the knowledge. I didn't I had a surplus of knowledge, but my emotions are getting in the way of accessing that knowledge. There was dread, there was shame, there was embarrassment, there was fear, and once I got to feel those things and examine the stories behind them, and then be like, Oh, wait, that's that's literally not true, like I'm actually not a terrible person, or I'm actually in control of how long this is going to take me. This is not, you know, cleaning my house doesn't have to rule my life, I actually get to decide on things like this, then I became more empowered and better able to implement all of the things I already knew how to do, or open to things that I didn't actually know how to do, because I was also just so embarrassed that I didn't if I learned new information, I would the shame would just sweep over me. I should have known this, that story. I should have known this,

Katy Weber 34:45
yeah, bro. I mean, it doesn't happen in a vacuum, right? I mean, I think that is also, you know, so much of this, this repro. Programming and reframing is, like, Who says so, right? Like, where did that come from? What is that about? And it's so exhausting sometimes, but it's true. Like you said, you know, I feel like a lot of coaching clients think I'm going to go and then this coach is going to give me the one tool that's going to solve everything, and, and, and it's going to make me a calmer, more organized, happier person, and it's like, exactly like you said, if we can work on what's why you are feeling like you aren't a calm, happy person, then that tool is going to work. But the tool is not going to turn you into it's not going to fix you or turn you into that. Yeah, version of yourself. But, you know, it's a hard sell. Sometimes

Taucha Post 35:47
it totally is, because I understand it. Like we do want the tips and tricks, right? Like, sometimes people come to us and the stakes are really high. We want, like, instant results, instant results, again, because of ADHD, right? Because we do not have, like, the working memory to see small pieces of progress. We don't have the self awareness to notice small little change. So we need to be a completely different person yesterday in order for us to actually notice, right? Yeah, basically, ah, and it's so frustrating. So I get it like, I understand why people have impatience for that kind of thing, because it is really hard to think that those little changes add up because it doesn't give you the dopamine that you really want or that our brain really needs, but there's ways to change that. There's ways to work with your brain so that those little changes become bigger celebrations and become and you actually allow them to be as big as they really are. And there was another thought that I had that just like, flew right out of my head,

Katy Weber 36:45
was meant to be able to come back. Yeah. What are those little moments that you love when you are working with a

Taucha Post 36:52
coaching club? I just, I love those moments where you're able to, like, reflect back a thing that they said in like, the perfect words for them, in a way that where you can see, like nobody has ever gotten it the way I just got it for them right now. You know what? I mean? They're like, Oh my God, yes, yes, that's it. Oh my God. Because we've spent so much of our life being so misunderstood or being so minimized. So to have a person like say back to you and validate your experience, it's just such a beautiful thing. It's so nice to see that wash over their face, like, wow, they get it.

Taucha Post 37:33
It's really powerful

Katy Weber 37:35
and to validate, but also like, normalize and take away any of that judgment too, I think so, so important, or really just so helpful for being able to move forward and say, like, okay, yeah. Like, I don't this is morally neutral. I don't have to feel bad about this. But, you know, I'd like to figure out a way to get it done and but I, you know, once you're not kind of in the quicksand of emotional intensity, it becomes a lot easier to do that

Taucha Post 38:04
totally, yeah, I love those moments and those moments also when

Taucha Post 38:10
people start

Taucha Post 38:13
acknowledging their own accomplishments. I love when clients come to sessions and they're like, Okay, I'm going to give you an update, and they like, go through like, things that they've done, and they just, like, are glowing when they're or when you can tell them like things that you notice they've changed. Like, oh my God, I didn't even know that, but you're totally right. I am doing that. Like, when you notice that shift in their brain is now filtering in the positive, not just the negative, which was, like, usually its previous default. That's really, really cool. Yeah,

Katy Weber 38:45
no, that's such a great point. I do love that when it's like, those gentle reminders that, you know, it's been three months, you've actually made a tremendous amount of progress. And here's what I'm seeing, as opposed to, like, let's focus on one more thing that needs to be tweaked, or because we do. I mean, you know, I feel like we're that's our default state. Is okay, that's right, that's good, that's fine. What's wrong? You know, let's focus on what's wrong. Yeah, yeah. So that is a nice, fun part about coaching. Mm, hmm.

Taucha Post 39:18
The other thing I just love, like, the banter. It's just so fun, like to talk to another ADHD er when you're like, you know, just got like, the back and forth. It's just so fun. ADHD is just so fun. The ways, the places that their brains go, the metaphors they come up with, the way they like have to process things, to understand it, and the and the wittiness, it's just fun.

Taucha Post 39:37
Just a fun group of people. It's true. Yeah.

Katy Weber 39:41
And finally, up next is Lindsay Buchanan, who lives in the Orlando area with her family. Now, Lindsay actually reached out to me after she received her coaching certification, and I'm so glad she did, because I could tell immediately that she was the kind of thoughtful and curious and deeply caring person that makes the best kind of ADHD coach I have so. Thrilled to have her on the team, and I can't wait for you to get to know more about her personal ADHD journey in the future. For now, here is my conversation with Lindsay. I would love to hear from you. Lindsay about like, what got you into ADHD coaching, what made you think that this was the next step for you?

Lindsey Buchanan 40:19
Wow, that's a great question. It's a long it has been a long path for me. Always is like, how to succinctly tell this long path story? Yeah, I would say it's really been a lifelong journey for me to get to myself doing ADHD coaching. Okay, I guess there's two parallel stories to tell. So I myself have ADHD, and I was undiagnosed, though I never knew that until, like maybe, I'm guessing five or six years ago. I'm not sure exactly, exactly the date that it that I figured this out. So I was probably about 35 I think, when I got my own diagnosis. So I had been wanting to do something in addition to my career path that I was on pretty much ever since I started on that career path after graduating college. So about, you know, I graduated in 2008 so I started work, just settled work in 2010 in a corporate job, like a eight to five office setting where everybody sits at their desk and works at their computer from eight to five. And so that was very challenging for me to work that long in that type of environment. And like, sit still for that long of the day, stay focused for that much of the day. It was very challenging. And like, I did it, and I feel like I did a good job. You know, everybody would always give me positive feedback that I was doing a good job, but I always felt like there was way more that I wanted to be doing, and I couldn't figure out how to do whatever that was. I didn't know what it was. I didn't know if it was like a different job or a different path that I just and I didn't really even know what I would be good at, or, you know how to go about pursuing something different, so I pretty much thought about that, and, like, considered different paths for honestly about I have To do the math, but, like, 15 years because I also, you know, started a family, had children, cut back my hours to help raise the children when they were babies. You know, for a little while, I thought, oh, maybe being a mom is that thing for me.

Katy Weber 42:57
I still do that. I'm like, I go to the library, and I'm like, I want to be a librarian. It looks really cool.

Lindsey Buchanan 43:04
Librarian was one of the things I thought about actually.

Katy Weber 43:09
Like, I feel like, that's sort of that ADHD, like, excitability,

Lindsey Buchanan 43:12
yeah, it is. And kind of like a not feeling content with what I have, like, always thinking, like, I think there's something more, but I don't know what it is, and so I would like seriously consider different things, like librarian I seriously considered, I, like, interviewed my mom. My mom was a teacher, so she let me, like, chat with the librarian at her school. I won't even go down explain all the different career paths and like school options that I've considered and like applied to I've done, gone back and done prerequisites and like applied to graduate programs and then decided not to go multiple times over those 15 years. Okay? And then what happened is my sister realized we all have we, most of us in my family, likely have ADHD. And she let me know, hey, Lindsay, like, I think we have ADHD. Just let you know. It's genetic. Our dad has it. Clearly. We were all like, Oh, definitely. But this was the first time somebody had ever said that to me. I had never considered that I would have ADHD.

Katy Weber 44:25
And your sister is a psychologist, by the way,

Lindsey Buchanan 44:27
yeah, so it's her field, but she really, I mean, the reason she looked into it and researched it was for her son. She had a young son, and that was the first, you know, she was intrigued by his behavior. And like, did all this research about ADHD and realized, oh, it's genetic, and started, like, putting these pieces together. And so that set me on a path of learning all about ADHD and getting my own diagnosis and realizing, Oh, my goodness, like you. Now, when I look back at my life, all of these things that were confusing to me about my own story, like things that didn't fit together very well, or like questions I had about myself about my own character, like, why was this so hard for me, or why was this part of my life so like extreme compared to other people, why did I act like that at that stage, I felt like the ADHD diagnosis helped me finally understand myself so much better and be like, Okay, this was why, like, this was the Missing thread that was woven into everything of my life up to that point, and so it was fascinating to learn about ADHD. So that was when I got the idea of maybe ADHD coaching would be something that I would enjoy, because it would be meaningful and it would be fun. And I am a people person, like, I really like interacting one on one with people, and so I thought I could use my natural strengths and, like, hone this. And I felt like I could do a good job at this job, and I could enjoy it, which was kind of a first to put those two things together. So that's how I got interested in it.

Katy Weber 46:27
And how is it going? I mean, you're our newest certified graduate on the team. How is it how has it been going?

Lindsey Buchanan 46:37
It's going really well, like I love the coaching. I love coaching. That's the thing. I feel energized when I meet with people and I'm able to listen and be a witness to their experiences and their story. And I feel like, if I feel like I can shed some light on like, something about a their ADHD and like we can think through together, like a way to support them, or a way to accept something that maybe in the past, they felt like they couldn't, shouldn't, accept about themselves. That kind of like self acceptance and self discovery growth is really exciting to me. So I love it. That's the part that I really, really love. I think the part that was harder for me than I realized it would be was like creating technical type stuff or, like, I don't really do any social media. So that part, I'm like, No, it's not really that's not like my natural, like strength to start with, but that's okay. The coaching is my favorite, and that's really what I'm trying to do. So I'm happy that that's aligned.

Katy Weber 47:57
What are some of the things that you love about working with clients. Or are there those moments that you're just like, ah, it lights you up.

Lindsey Buchanan 48:07
I mean, of course I love anytime there's a light bulb moment where you feel like you can see the wheels turning, and then just holding the space. And I love that I can hold the space for that. And then when a client kind of has that light bulb moment of, oh, maybe I could try this there, you know, or they like reframe something that they've been having some stinking thinking about is what I call

Lindsey Buchanan 48:37
it, stinking thinking. I like that. Like reframe

Lindsey Buchanan 48:41
and realize, you know, that it that it's not a bad thing, that it's a normal ADHD symptom or something like that. So that is definitely energizing to me. But you know, I really just love, honestly, like, being a witness to each person's whatever it is that they want to share with me, it feels sacred, almost during that time, to hold the space for somebody else to share whatever it is that is on their mind or their heart for that day, and to be able to for them to feel safe enough to share it, and for me to feel Like I can hold the space for it and accept it and and then whatever happens happens. But I think just that process of that space feel feels sacred to me, honestly, of just meeting another person where they are, and like hearing about what their experience is, and being a witness to it feels really special.

Katy Weber 49:47
Oh, I love the way you put that. It's true. It is so healing. You know, I always use now, now that I'm in therapy school, I use all of my therapy terms, but I'm like, it is, there is something so cute. Narrative about listening and like you said, like having somebody just share and being vulnerable and not being judged, right? And not feeling like, you know, not feeling that shame and or at least exploring that, and then having you know that you're able to say, I relate. I have totally I, believe me, I've lived it, and, you know, to just normalize it, I think is really just, yeah, I think it's, I could never say this for myself, because it's easier to just say it about other people. But I'm like, the way you're able to change lives through your work is so rewarding and all right, I'll say it about myself, because I love, I it's so it's so rewarding. It is one of the most rewards, you know, other than maybe putting two kids on this planet, like, I feel like it's just so, oh yeah, you're getting me all emotional though, like it's really, really, it's just very special, yeah.

Lindsey Buchanan 50:56
And I think too even to think about, like the ripple effect is huge too, because you mentioned families and children, and it's like, oh my gosh, I didn't even, sometimes I don't even think about that. Like, what they may take away and then share with their family or their loved ones or their friends or their children, is it's like, yeah, I like that feeling of like, putting good out and imagining it going out in ripples.

Katy Weber 51:25
Yeah, right. That's another one too, that I find can be really difficult to think about when you're contemplating coaching. Because I think a lot of people think that coaching is going to be more like, you know, Lindsay's going to show me that thing that's going to fix everything. So just show me the thing. Let's get it over with, and that it feels more transactional than it is, and it's like, no, no, like your life is going to change quite dramatically, and it's you're going to do all the work, and I'm going to sit and encourage you all right. Well, as I said earlier, I am so excited to be growing this team and to see what the future holds for women and ADHD. I've got one more year of my internship before I graduate and become a practicing therapist in the state of New York, so stay tuned for more updates about that. In the meantime, you can find out more about this fabulous team of ADHD coaches over at women and adhd.com/coaching and, of course, at women and adhd.com you can also find all sorts of free, downloadable resources, recommended readings, my self guided course. Hey, it's ADHD and much, much more. Thank you again for listening. I hope some of this resonated, and I will be taking a break for the rest of the summer, but we will be back with a brand new episode of women and ADHD the first Monday of September. Until then, take care.

Katy Weber 52:56
There you have it. Thank you for listening, and I really hope you enjoyed this episode of the women and ADHD podcast. If you'd like to find out more about me and my coaching programs, head over to women and adhd.com if you're a woman who was diagnosed with ADHD and you'd like to apply to be a guest on this podcast, visit women and adhd.com/podcast guest, and you can find that link in the episode show notes. Also, you know, we ADHD ers crave feedback, and I would really appreciate hearing from you the listener. Please take a moment to leave me a review on Apple podcasts or audible. And if that feels like too much, and I totally get it, please just take a few seconds right now to give me a five star rating or share this episode on your own social media to help reach more women who maybe have yet to discover and lean into this gift of neurodivergency, and they may be struggling and they don't even know why. I'll see you next time when I interview another amazing woman who discovered she's not lazy or crazy or broken, but she has ADHD, and she's now on the path to understanding her neurodivergent mind and finally, using this gift to her advantage. Take care till then you.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai